with colors bright

what I'm up to...

2012-02-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

What I'm watching:

A kdrama called Dream High. I've only watched a few episodes but so far it's pretty good. ^.^

What I'm drawing:

Concept sketches for an illustrating project I'm doing for a lady's children's book. The author is pretty particular about the pictures... hopefully I can give her what she wants.

What I'm listening to:

Audio books. I've only listened to a couple before (during long car rides and such) but I've found them quite entertaining for when I'm doing line work or color, though it's a bit distracting when I'm first trying to get a rough idea on paper...

What I'm eating:

Some people don't like Little Debbies- but I love their seasonal Be My Valentine pink, heart-shaped cakes. So sweetly delicious. Confession: I eat them with a fork, just so I can savor each taste all the more.

*num num num*

What I'm YouTube-ing:

Korean music videos. I've linked my favorite (so far) to the image. It's a bit more hip-hop than what I usually listen to, but I like it. Of course, the steam punk/ fairytale style is defiantly a draw. ^.^ I plan to look more into IU's songs.

What I'm making:

This afternoon I'll be helping a friend to craft centerpieces and the like for her up coming St. Patrick's Day wedding! This is my first time as a bridesmaid. I've got the Kelly Green dress- I just need to find the requested shoes...

What I bought:

Valentines gifts for my dearest mother and father! Who says you have to be a part of a couple to recognize the people in your life whom you love. ^.^

Thank you readers! Happy (early) Valentine's Day to you as well!

j-library

2012-01-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

In my free time or while I eat lunch, I must admit to watching videos on the internet. For those of you who may be interested in "j-dorama" or Japanese movies, I thought I would compile some of what I've watched over the past who-knows-how-many-months and give some brief reviews.
(Note: The synopsis is linked to the pictures)

It's actually been a while since I watched these. High School Debut (left) and Love*Com (right) were both pretty silly and both are based on a manga/anime series. I think there were a couple moments that were so ridiculous that I fast-forwarded through the pointless scene. But then, there were other parts of the movie that were just plain fun and even had me laughing. Yes, the plots were fairly predictable, but isn't that why you watch the light-hearted stuff? Both movies had some moments of *warm fuzziness*.

Even with the not so great video quality on my computer, I could still see the beauty in the art of the anime-movie, The Girl Who Lept Through Time. The storyline was intense and kept me white-knuckle-watching. Unlike High School Debut and Love*Com, the plot of this movie was not predictable. There is some stuff that's a little... different, I suppose (I don't want to give anything away) but overall this piece is impressive animated storytelling.

Absolute Boyfriend is a Japanese "dorama" that I'd seen on websites and heard of many times, but had always skipped over. I'm glad I finally took the time to watch it! This 11 episode series is so sweet at times and can you believe it had me teary-eyes for a robot?! HA! (Actually, that sounds real strange... you'd just have to watch it to understand! Really, I'm not crazy!) I still need to watch the series special episode that takes place 3 years after the ending...

Have any of you seen any of these? What were your thoughts? Or, have you seen any good Asian flicks to recommend?

wordless

2012-01-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

(A page-scan from the manga Kimi ni Todoke)

For as long as I can remember I would write.

My dreaming thoughts filled my head with tales that demanded to be written. I have worn, bulging folders filled with slips of concepts, outlines, inspirations. I can't remember where I got that old typewriter, but being near eleven years old I found a magic and excitement when I first saw my words in print. I typed up, whited-out, typed again and added illustrations. My dad would take my "manuscript" to his work to make copies so I could give them to my friends.

As years passed, story still called to me. I loved the thrill of going on adventures of my own creation- still do.

But, aside from the few short stories, those adventures would turn but a few chapters (sometimes less, sometimes more) before another quest presented itself. Another tale impatiently demanded to be told and my current piece would be abandoned, left unfinished. I'll not tell you the number of dusty book's-beginnings that pile in my laptop's documents.

Still, I'll start another. Maybe I'll finish this one. That's what I normally think- perhaps someday it'll be true.

However, for the past couple months whenever I still at the computer, a blank page before me, my mind is silent. There are no words- the script is gone.

Images, dreamings, visions and characters are still there, though.

So, this week I closed my laptop. I picked up a pencil, an eraser, and a page. My fingers flew as I sketched away. It's amazing what you can say without saying anything at all. It's a wonder what you can speak without a voice. Manga uses this wordless form of storytelling often. There could be pages of lines, none of them used to shape words. Still, you're transported and effected. Without a syllable uttered there can be relatibility and understanding. Sometimes an image can say more than words ever could.

a color is missing

2012-01-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

Blogging has been sort of an experiment for me. When I started, I wasn't even sure what I would write about or which direction I would take it. My posts have probably seemed quite random at times, but then I guess life can be that way, too.

Sometimes I don't have any idea what to post and sadly, dear readers, I leave you in the dark for a time. Other times I have an idea, a "dawning" if you will, about something to post, but then I chicken out.

"Originality" as well as "being real" and "honest" is something I see stressed as a must have by other blogs. I completely agree- whose blog are you writing if not your own?

So I noticed not too long ago that there was a part of me missing from my posting that ~~I'm timid about~~ want to
post about:

Art

I did do a series of posts about my art some time ago. While I was a little shy about it, there was the cushion that even if someone thought it was awful I could always hope I'd improved over the years.

But I thought I might could do some posting about where I get my inspiration, things that have been helpful and challenging in my art, as well as actually showing you some of my current doodling.

(If you feel so inclined, you can "open link in new tab" for a clearer image.)

Tea and cream drip through her hair
But she's having such a time that she doesn't care
Where ever the party, she'll be there
To wear less than this wig she wouldn't dare

I drew this one a few weeks ago. It's a bit over the top and silly (for me, anyhow), but that sort of exploring can be the most fun to create. ^.^

The inspiration came from my musing about those wigs they wore back way-when that were big enough to mount model ships upon. I figured you could create wigs around all sorts of themes- this one being from my girlish-love for tea parties. (I've some other theme ideas I may have to do later... there are so many different things you can do with a wig! Possibilities are endless!)

I drew it with my most common methods- rough pencil sketch, scan it, then line and color in Photoshop.

Cheers to you! and thanks for reading...

resolution anyone?

2012-01-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

According to my web-browser-friend, Wiki, "a New Year's resolution is a commitment that a person makes to one or more lasting personal goals, projects, or the reforming of a habit".

I'm not sure what I think about setting a New Year's resolution (or, NYR, from this point on).

Some people get all into it, pump themselves up to tackle a chosen goal. Other people "resolutely" choose not to do a NYR. This is because they either decide to accept things as is no matter how at fault or they doubt that they could ever change anyway, so why bother trying.

I've never done an official NYR, but I don't see anything wrong with them. (I mean, it's better than giving no effort at all.) I think that choosing a NYR can work for some people- it creates an opportunity or reminder to step things up a bit. It can be a sort of launching pad for that challenge you've wanted to face. Of course, such launching pads don't have to be only on this occasion. I think they can happen at any moment of inspiration.

From where I'm standing, NYR's get a bad reputation. They seem to be surrounded with gloom and doubt and pre-destined-defeat. To me they just seem to have a discouraging mood.

So I'm not going to choose a NYR. I'm going to set a goal. I'm going to strive to better myself in a particular way, to fight to grow and strengthen in this area.

And, no. I'm not going to tell you what it is. ^.^

But you can tell me, if you want! Are you doing a NYR? Have you ever?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2011-12-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

... almost, anyways...

Here's a gift for everyone that even I can't wait to dive into!

You may have read mention of my interest in web-comics. Well, I'd like to draw your attention to this amazing web-comic call the Wormworld Saga. I read the first chapter when it came out some time ago and now the second chapter is being released at 5p.m. this evening.

The art is so beautiful and the author (Daniel Lieske) is just great at storytelling. I defiantly recommend you check it out- I know I'm going to!

*website linked to picture

hello. yes, i'm still here...

2011-12-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

Where've I been?
I've been learning some things (shameful things) about myself and what I do when life gets out of hand.

I start to plan. I make lists and try to decipher how to fix it. I dive into a study of "how things are/ how they should be/ how they shouldn't be/ how they could be".
I think and think and waaaay over think things to the point my brain feels fried, I have a head ache, my stomach is in a constant tumble, and I've made myself a depressed mess.

Oh, Joni, Joni... (*shakes head at oneself)
So, I've made myself STOP and do what I know I should've done all the while.
Be still.
Be quiet.
LET GO of the "control" and give it over to Christ.
Just sit and wait on Him.

I'm making myself halt those circles I've been running in and to kneel. To shut my mouth, calm my mind, and turn a patient, listening ear.
Sometimes I still want to get up and bolt- race away to who knows where in attempt to escape these confusions, but I know I'll only get more lost.

In the past month I really haven't done much blogging and my journal is seeing empty-pages of neglect.

But I promise you I'm still here.
I've just been taking some time to
BE QUIETLY STILL.

To see what God has to teach me (I've so much to learn).
To see what He has to show me (I've so much to see in a new light and to understand).
To see where the Spirit will take me (because that adventure is going to be better than anything I'd ever be able to plan).

That's where I've been. Pursuing Christ in my waiting. And you know what? He's been meeting with me. ^.^

Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me: for You are the God of my salvation; on You do I wait all day. Psalm 25:4-5

For your listening pleasure...

2011-12-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

Dear 20 year old me...

2011-11-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

There are some truths that I know you struggle with. As much as you know they are true, sometimes your weary heart finds them hard to grasp.

But I want to encourage you to hold on, because you'll make it through.

You may feel as though you're doing nothing right and getting no where in this world, but devoting yourself to Him is all you ever need. Just keep the faith and know that your hope lies firmly and soundly when it's in Christ. What the world says you should be doing doesn't matter- just follow Him guidance and your path will be correct.

Loneliness may tighten your heart. You wonder if you'll ever have that friendship you long for or that companionship for which you ache. From past hurts you find yourself keeping a distance, regretting anytime you let a part of yourself past those walls you've built. But I tell you not to lock yourself away, because prisons are dark and you'll wither without any sunlight. Even if it's scary, step out and you'll find that you can blossom.

And remember that even when you hid away that you were never alone- God was there with you, standing at the door of that shadow cage trying to beacon you out to where you could be vibrant. You are never without His comforting presence, His friendship.

You also put to much into your relationship status. You shrug off the fact that you've never even held a boy's hand, saying it's probably easier- less complicated- if your single. But there's still a sadness inside of you, wondering if it's because you're just not good enough. There's no truth in that- for you have someone who longs for you deeply. Jesus loves you completely and desires to walk with you through every moment. He is excited to go on these journeys with you, enjoys that you take Him along on the simplest of errands. He is everything you'll ever need, given freely even though you don't deserve it. And every time you realize this truth, you'll feel such joy, love and gratefulness! So remember this often.

There are those times of uncertainty when you feel so completely lost. Keep the faith even when you feel as though you've been left hanging for so long. Press on and be patient, because all God wants of you is your trust. He hasn't forgotten you. There is a great plan and purpose He's destined for you- and even these moments of silence are a part of it.

You may be going through hard times right now, but stand firm and face the battles. Perhaps you don't understand yet, but you'll find these difficulties are precious. You'll see later how they grew you, strengthened you, and how they brought you closer to God.

It will take perseverance, but chase after those dreams God's given you. You may doubt your ability and it may frighten you, but you have an unlimited strength and courage- through Christ you can do all things. Believe it to be so.

Dear 20 year old me…

Pray always.

Listen carefully with patience.

Surrender entirely (and again and again and again).

Love Him completely.

And know how GOOD your King is.

attendending a party for bloggers (i brought cookies!)

2011-11-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

I follow the blog of the lovely Abigail, who is a fellow Kansan who writes and photographs and creates in wonderful ways that inspire. Her newest idea- the authentic people blog party- has inspired me to join.

So, welcome visitors! Allow me to give you a grand tour by way of answering the blog party's first list of questions...

1} What is the nerdiest/geekiest/weirdest thing about you?

Hm... well, to pick one it would probably be my ~~obsession~~ interest in Asian entertainment such as this:

2} If you could live in a fictional universe of any book, movie, or television show, what would it be?

These questions are hard- they're making me choose between some many favorites! One world I think would be simply magical to visit, though, would be the world of the "Theatre Illuminata" trilogy by Lisa Mantchev.

3} Little or big, practical or frivolous, what is one of your favorite items in your house?

Does the roof count? I guess it's more of a place, but we'll just go ahead and count it. I love being able to climb out my window out to the roof so I can sit and stargaze. Sadly, since changing bedrooms the roof I now have access to is a little more steep... but I make it work. ^.^

4} Do you like animated movies? If so, which is your favorite?

I'm guessing by this question you know my answer is a big YES. Love animated movies and how a skilled artist can create such memorable, relate-able, emotional, real characters and stories through art. Favorite? Ermmm...

5} Favorite household chore?

Doing dishes with my dearest mum. We make quite the team- she washes, I dry and put away. No, drying dishes isn't really my favorite pastime... but chatting with my Me-Ma is. *warm fuzzies*

6} Favorite pizza topping?

Chicken Alfredo pizza, all the way. My mouth just watered. Yum.

7} Waffles of pancakes?

Pancakes- they're fluffier to me.

8} Do you like to play games? If so, what is your favorite?

Board game: Scrabble
Nintendo DS game: Any of the Professor Layton games- bring on the riddle-some-puzzles!
Computer game: The Nancy Drew games. Code name: Super Sleuth. (heehee)
Xbox: Tomb Raider. I'm so excited for the next one!

9} Have you ever died you hair?

No. My hair is so fine, I'm sure it would be fried by any chemical tampering. But I have daydreams of bleached tips and colored streaks sometimes...

10} Think fast... What's the first song that pops into your head?

This one. <3
Doesn't even have words, but I just keep hearing the beautiful melody in my head. I want to watch the show all over again...

Well, thanks for reading! And be sure to check out Miss Abigail's blog- her skills are pretty epic.

brought out of the corner

2011-11-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

Oh, no. You thought things were going alright- that you were finished with this struggle and made it through this trial. You were victorious and you'd defeated this foe. You were walking forward, ready to take the next step without hindrance.

But it's back. That worrisome, anxious, heavy struggle that leaves you feeling helpless and as though you can't do anything. You just want to curl up and hide away. How can you go on to do anything of worth with this pulling you down? How can you move forward when your struggles seem to leave you chained? How can you be your best for God and serve and follow when this fault of yours keeps showing up. You feel disappointed in yourself and wonder if it will ever end.

But wait! Why should I let this hold me down? Why should I let it corner me and push me into shadow? Yes, I have this struggle. Yes, it may very well keep popping up at the worst possible moments. But instead of cowering I shall fight to stand.
The thing is, though... I know I won't be able to do it on my own...

But don't you remember that I have someone? Don't you know that the ground I stand upon is a Rock firm and steadfast? I am not alone in this- don't you know?- my Almighty God is at my side constant. Things may be hard (who said they'd be easy?) but I shall press on. Again and again I will surrender the struggle over to God- I shall surrender my life, my all.

The struggle may not go away, but I shall declare with determination to fight and serve anyway, knowing my ability to do so doesn't come from my own strength. It comes from His strength. Thank you, Lord, for your spiritual supply and your blessed presence. You are my love, courage, hope, peace and my joy.

foreign favorites

2011-10-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

I had written a different post a couple days ago, but to my annoyance with Blogger there was an "error" when I went to publish it and the words I'd typed were lost. Aw, well. Today I've decided to share something (that I think is) fun: a few of my favorite things- foreign edition.

ORIGAMI

Yes, I'm sure you've all heard of this "art of paper folding" before- but did you know it's actually a traditional Japanese art? I’ve only made a few simple things- my favorite so far being the classic paper crane. Give it a go- it’s amazing what a delightful sense of accomplishment you feel in it’s completion. (^-^)

Boys Before Flowers

While based on a Japanese manga, this is a Korean drama. Many thanks sent to Hulu- I just finished the 25^th (final) episode this past week. This series is *wonderful*! Good romantic drama with some laughs.

Pocky

These biscuit sticks with a coating of sweetness are tasty- and from Japan! Between the chocolate and strawberry Pocky that’s sold at my local department stores I always get delicious strawberry (I can’t eat chocolate) but I would love to try some of the other flavors. Maybe I’ll import a box of Pocky that’s green tea, honey, or coconut flavor and let you know what I think.

Lolita Fashion

There are the Lolita purists who think that there’s only one way to dress Lolita but I would have to agree with the majority that says Lolita fashion ranges to all sorts of styles. There’s some styles sweet enough to make your mouth hurt with it’s candy patterns and princess ruffles. Others can be a little scary for me with their gothic/zombie/vampire themes.

The style I like is the “Classic Lolita” like in these pictures. Believe it or not, it’s on the more mild end of the spectrum. While it still sticks to the “Lolita silhouette” this style is simple and more grown up.

But maybe “grown up” isn’t the description I want to use, because I have to admit these fun clothes make me feel like a little girl playing dress up!

Kimi ni todoke

This movie is Japanese. Based on a manga series that’s also an anime, this simple story is so sweet. I watched the movie on YouTube (thank you up-loaders) and would love to get my own copy. The movie ended in a fine place, but by the manga there’s still more to the story so I hope they make a sequel.

from these struggles

2011-09-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

The way God works and moves is mysterious. The motions of time and reasons for circumstances can but incomprehensible to me and a lot of things happen that I just don't understand. Even looking at things in the past.

However, I do think that there I some things from the past that let us see a hint of what God was doing. Things about God, about ourselves, and about others are revealed. Sometimes, though, these revelations can only be seen after it's all over.

I remember the struggles I went through. As much as some want to say that hard times aren't who you are, I think how you come through them (how God brings you through them) defiantly shapes and teaches you.

My struggles really aren't anything spectacular. They are simple and unordinary on the outside, but of course to the ones on the inside- to me- they truly were battles.

There's loneliness, which can be brought on by people leaving, people forgetting, or people hating. When you feel like your going it solo you're cold and empty and you suddenly feel uncertain about who you can trust, who you can open up to. Of course there have been times when I've foolishly not given it all up to Jesus. I would just hold on with weak-heart prayers asking for a love I never thought I would receive or feel. Eventually, though, I would surrender all to the One I found could give an endless, constant love. The promises given by this world may bend and break, but I know that what God speaks is steadfast, so in Him I trust.

… God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5b

Another struggle is fear. This worry and anxiety over the things we can't control can consume us. It takes root in our minds and waits there. As we watch it and look in on it, give it the time of our thoughts, we're really tending to it and encouraging it to grow by our attention. Fear will try to wrap around us so much as to block out all light and hope. There would be times I couldn't look away from the "fear weed" and under my eyes it would reach it's thorny branches to grip me in panic. It took some scary times to understand that these frights got a hold on me because I let them. My eyes were facing the wrong direction.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. -Hebrews 12:2

While struggles such as these played out, I would want so badly to be rescued. I would ask God to take my troubles away, make these difficult times easier.

But looking back on some of them, I find myself feeling so… grateful.

I thank Jesus for those lonely times- because they helped me to see just how much He is with me and that He loves me with a love grater than all others.

I thank Jesus for those times of fear- because they showed me just how steadfast and strong the Rock- my Christ- is. It helped me to find my firm footing. It helped me to stand with more confidence.

Jesus, thank you for the hard times that help to make your perfect plan. Thank you for the struggles that bring me- send me- closer to You.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

I'm hesitant to post this...

2011-09-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

I've had schemes, plans, and projects. A lot of them. But attempted schemes? Finished plans? Completed projects? Not so many. Sure, I understand that it's trail and error, learning from the journey and simply giving things a shot in attempt to find my place and purpose. Still, whenever I get interested in something or want to try something I'm hesitant to tell anyone.

Just like I'm hesitant to tell anyone that I truly want to study Japanese.

I hear those voices: "It's only a phase." "I'm sure to fail- I won't follow through." "What good is this doing anyway?" "It won't take me anywhere."

I've weakly listened to those voices before. A little more than a year ago Japanese was on my radar but filled with doubts I let it slip away. Who was I kidding- what worth is Japanese for someone like me? I forgot about it- for a while. Several months ago it kept popping up- Japan wouldn't leave me alone.

So now I'm closing my ears to those words because you know what? I think it's more than a phase. I'm sure there will probably be times I'll want to quit, but I'm going to try to push through. No, I don't know what this is for or if it will take me anywhere, but for some reason I feel it's for a purpose.

So it was decided- I'm going to learn as much about the language as I can. Quickly I discovered that there are no Japanese tutors in my area. (And that even if there were, I wouldn't have the money for one anyhow- HA!) This means what money I do have to spare is going to self-teaching resources.

When my interest dabbled a bit in Japanese more than a year ago I had bought My Japanese Coach for my DS. It was defiantly a leg up on the language- for the time I had it. Once that doubt hit and I thought I'd dropped the "Japan idea" I traded it in at GameStop.

Dash back ahead to when I decided again to dive into Nihongo (Japanese) I sought out another copy of the DS program. I found it at GameStop. And when I turned it on I couldn't help but laugh at myself because the only profile that had been started was under the name "Joni". (Yes, I bought the same copy of the same game… twice.)

From there it's progressed.
Of course I needed a dictionary: Random House Japanese-English English-Japanese Dictionary. It's served me well so far, but I would like to also get a smaller, light-weight dictionary that is more travel friendly.

Human Japanese is downloaded on the family's mac. It was the most recommended from the app store- the lessons are laid back and easy to understand.

In addition to the countless audio cd's and workbooks I've checked out from the library, I've enjoyed watching some of my favorite animes- for native speech study, of course. ^-^

So far it's been… confusing at times and overwhelming when I think about it too much. I mean, it's like a whole other language! (…) ^-^ Really, I've enjoyed it.

One thing I struggle with (and always have) is that my memorization skills are minimal to none. It takes a lot of repeat repeat repeat and even more repeat before I get it down. But I'm taking it one step at a time, one character, one word, one phrase.

I remember when I thought I would never get all those Kana characters down…

But you know what, though I'm a little slow, I can now read both.

Friday, I got another book: A Guide to Writing Japanese Kanji & Kana. It's heavy and it's thick. Are you ready for this number?

1,945 Joyo (or "common use") Kanji characters to learn. 0.0

Oh, dear me… I feel so far from knowing all of that. So many characters, translations, meanings… Oi.

One step at a time. One stroke, one character, one word, one phrase… I mean, really it's just one language. (Well, technically there's some Chinese in there, but you know what I mean…)

I want to get this poster of all the Joyo Kanji so I can just stare at it. Maybe those characters will magically soak into my brain through my retina.

Am I crazy?

an artful journey - part 3

2011-09-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Showing my art to people is something I didn't do very often and something I'm still fairly timid about. (These posts are kind of a stretch for me...)

I know some may think it's silly for parchment and graphite to feel personal, but for me what I draw- or write, for that matter!- is as much a part of me as my own ten fingers or the freckles on my cheeks. One thing I can say I do (whether the piece is good or not) is that for the most part I really put myself into my art.

So, continuing down the path my art has taken over the past years...

Aside from ferociously shading at flower petals and faces, I met a new style that influenced my comic-art: Manga.

(Do not shun me, dear readers, for I know that parts of these are plain awful... Just bare with me and hope I get better with practice.)

Still gripping those pencils in hand, I added pens to my pencil-bag- first some Black Bic's and then my beloved, smooth Faber-Castell pens... *Sigh* I drew pictures based on the stories I wrote, the tales I wanted to write, and even the slightest fragments of "once upon a times" that slipped through my imagination. I just love the possibilities of a page- the opportunity to explore the realities in my head.

But most of the time, those day dreams were in color and my pictures were still gray-scale. On (very) rare occasions I would use colored pencil, but I always felt graphite was a cleaner look. I did (don't) know how to paint. Didn't think I could get a look I wanted with pastels or markers...

It was nearly two years ago when I go my Wacom Baboo Fun package.

With a computer tablet on my desk and Adobe PS loaded onto my laptop, the possibility of color came into play...

an artful journey - part 2

2011-08-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Much of my next sketch book is also filed with... Well, I'm sure you can guess.

Drawing horses as much as I did, I grew more comfortable penciling their long legs and loved doing different things with their manes and tails. Though it's still very light, you can see that I even started to some shading in my pieces! (I still have to force myself to not be timid with my shadows...)

I continued doodling my own comics/illustrations as well.

One "project" of mine was an illustrated story about the "Double AJ's"- a group of girls and their horses.

It's in it's 23rd printing... ^-^

Farther back in the same sketch book I begin to experiment with more realistic drawings.

Some places are still too light, some parts too dark, but there's more shape at least.

I got on a shading kick for a while. My chest swelled with delight at the sight of my "graphite-gray fingers".
I know that it's not best to blend your shading with your fingers because of the oil on your skin. But I couldn't help it. Still can't, when I do the occasional graphite piece.
There's something about having one's fingertips covered in shiny-ash that makes the drawing feel all the more a part of you.

an artful journey - part 1

2011-08-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

As a child I'm sure I'd doodled on many a different surfaces. School drawings on worksheets, homemade cards of color scraps, possibly a couple of walls... But this here is where it truly started:

My first sketch book

I receive this green volume of blank pages on my 7th birthday from my parents. I remember thinking the pages were so clean and white and that there were so many of them!

Here is the wonderful piece of art I drew on the first page in my gratitude of the gift:

And so my venture into the world of art began!

The first pages are filled with drawings Disney characters from my favorite movies.

I also copied a lot of different pictures, learning from practice about shapes and proportions. Often the pictures I copied were of horses.

There are some blank pages at the back of my sketch book, but I didn't stop drawing.

My next "volume" was spiral ring sketchbook. With practice from copying, I began to create my own scenes. You can tell by the half finished drawings that I was learning by trial and error and error... Most all of the drawings are in plain writing pencil, but some are in colored pencil or crayon.

I drew my inspiration from my interests and from other artists. I suspect that this "Fat Cat" comic came from both the influence of Garfield and the rotund kitty that today still lives in our house.

There are "fashion ideas", ponies, and what I'd guess was a dragon. There are clouds and a purple phone that I think was an attempt to be abstract. And there are more ponies.

Some pages are smeared and rough from attempts to erase too-dark pencil sketches. Some are only a few lines that I never finished. A lot of the pictures just make me cringe or shake my head.

But they also make me smile, because in those doodles and scribbles of ideas I see a little girl with a dream.

I see her working to chase after it, learning and growing- stretching and reaching!- getting closer all the time.

(BONUS POINTS to whoever can guess what Disney character is portrayed in the drawing next to the Mulan picture!)

her heart

2011-08-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

She keeps her heart safe within a box

Her heart is made of flying things

Of dandelion seeds the drift & float

Of feathers that flit & glide

Of stars that shoot and soar

Sometimes, she lifts the lid to gaze upon it

While peeking in she's careful

Fearful that a storm wind would take up her heart's pieces

And then they would be lost to her

But sometimes when she peeks at the flying things

She'd wonder how they'd look in flight

She'd imagine what would happen if she lifted the box-

Tossed it's contents to the sky & set it free

Would the dandelion seeds scatter to plant and grow-

How many of the seeds would blossom?

Would the feathers rise up dance in the clouds-

Sharing the rooms of daring birds?

Would the stars in the freedom dash-

And end up going farther than she could ever imagine?

She keeps her heart safe within a box

Sometimes, she lifts the lid to gaze upon it

Her heart is made of flying things

(Drawn in year 2010)

heart-strings waiting

2011-08-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had something pressing on your heart? Something that just seems to keep popping up in you days and coming about in your walk? You can just feel that there's a purpose to it and that God has it in mind for a part of your destiny... But you have no idea how or even when it fits.

I'm not sure when my parents first felt drawn to Africa. When I was little- maybe before. For some reason, though, God tucked a love for that country into their hearts. But when they received this calling they didn't hop on the first plane out of the States. It was many years later when my dad saw a sheet hanging on a bridge with the words “start thinking about Africa”. It was in 2006 that they went on the mission trip that God wanted them to go on.

I try to be patient for things, but I'm not. That time that my parents had to wait between the “direction” and actually heading out to Zambia seems to me like a long time.

A lot of times I feel like I'm standing still. I feel like I need to be moving. So these heart-tugs I feel like I'm getting- I want to act on them now!

Of course, I'm not at all sure how.

I suppose this is because the time isn't right. God has me standing here to learn some things, to wait on Him, to grow in faith, and to do who knows what else. So even though I feel ~~over~~ eager to go on some wild goose chase where I think I should go, I'm trying very hard to stick to my God-chase.

One thing I remember my mom saying about her trip is this: that they just felt and knew that they were doing exactly what God wanted. They were in just the place at just the time He desired.

I want that. So, I wait.

can you hear me?

2011-08-03T06:39:00.001-07:00

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.

Psalm 5:1-2

There have been many times in my life when I’ve felt I’ve been calling on God for something- most often for direction or guidance. I’m a homeschool graduate. I don’t go to college- I haven’t felt the desire to nor that is what God wants for me right now. I feel that something else is laid out for me in these moments, but at times (a lot of times) I’m not sure what.

So I would pray, asking for some sort of revelation- a sign of sorts to lead me onto the right road. But during these past years, while I prayed, I felt that my friends (who were going to college) were living their lives, setting out on their great journey and were changing the world. I felt stuck in one place and lost- not at a crossroad, but in a field with no path in sight.

They say that God has a great plan for you- a destiny greater than you could imagine. I would pray, feeling I was ready to take a step, start out on my journey, if only He’d tell me which way.

And I would feel I was met with silence.

Where was God’s voice? Was I doing something wrong? Why did I feel alone and as though God had withdrawn? I felt as though I spun in emptiness and in quiet.

But then I was reminded of the sound of His voice.

At church this past while I’ve been going to a Sunday school class led by a woman who’s lovely and wise. she has struggles like anyone, but by just being in her presence I’m made aware by her radiance the very real relationship she has with God.

She’s told my of this before- how she’s taken the Psalms- God’s love letter and promises to us- and put her own name within the script. I braced myself as she began to read during class, speaking to individuals around the room- using their names as though God were actually speaking to them. I found myself almost not wanting her to come to me, to use my name, because I knew it would be hard to face the very idea of God actually speaking to me. I hadn’t realized how far I’d felt from Him until the idea of being close- of God speaking to me these truths of grace and of love- was brought forth.

Part of it was probably listening to the loud, yelling world telling me all I was doing wrong while I should’ve been shutting it all out to hear God’s attentive whispers. Part of it was allowing myself to believe the very bad faults of myself and forgetting my perfection in Him. I’d doubt what I had in Him, what was possible. Yes, I don’t at all deserve what He’s given me, but what is the ultimate truth is that He’s given me life, purpose, hope- He’s given me everything.

Morning by morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; morning by morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Psalm 5:3

God hears us. The Great Almighty holds our hearts to his ear...

Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord has heard my prayer.

Psalm 6:8-9

... And he speaks back to us with gentle words.

If we are submissive and faithful, we will be able to listen past the winds to what He has to say. Because He does speak to us.

To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.

Psalm 3:4

Thank you, Lord, for your constant presence. May I not look at the terrors of the night or listen to the howling storm. But may I look to the stars- the light in the black- and hear Your counseling words.

busy-blessed week

2011-07-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

For one week each summer, my church is filled with children. I always loved going to VBX (vacation Bible "x-perience"). After I got to be too old to be in a class, I naturally stuck around to staff. I've helped in different aged classes, but after a couple years I've found my "spot" in the craft room. I love getting to see all the different classes, seeing all their excited faces and hearing about all the fun things they got to do that day. (Plus, I'm into the art-sie stuff...)

Staffing can be an offering of time and hard work, but honestly I see it mostly as a blessing. I feel so blessed to be able to help out. It's such a wonderful opportunity and feeling to be around other workers who's goal is the same as yours. To see them devote their efforts to the cause of ministering to those kids, to see other's put their hearts into that service, it is such an encouragement.

Yes, there are those bumps in the system. There are those little spats and those bits that won't go so smoothly, but overall there is a joy about the place. And by the smiles and laughter from the kids, I think they feel it, too.

All of that sweat and stress- they are so worth it.

It's worth those kid's joy, giving them an opportunity to have fun.
It's worth seeing the staff become a team.
It's worth having the chance to show and tell those little ones that they are loved and they mean something.
It's worth seeing them be friends to one another- to see them help each other and cheer each other on.
Those hardships are nothing when there are kids who have come to understand what Christ has done for them and have chosen to pray that prayer of repentance and devotion because of it.

Every year, I save my name tag; tuck it away into my journal to remember yet another busy-blessed week.

from forts to tomorrow

2011-07-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

It takes me a while to adjust to change. Sometimes I'll just hold my breath and take it in stride but there are other times I find myself balking.

I find that change in relationships can be especially difficult. Relationships are something we've put our time, venerability, and emotional effort into building and cultivating. The best relationships are those steady ones- the people we can count on being there. We rely on and turn to those people and they become a comfort and encouragement to us. They are a sort of refuge.

There can be rocky times in those relationships, but the strong ones make it through. They know that they will always be there for one another.

But even those relationships change. As time passes those relationships will alter with the rest of your world.

It's like my relationship with my brother, Edward. He's a year younger and we've been through a lot.

When we were younger we got along well for the most part. We played Barbies and GI Joes with cars and buildings we made ourselves out of boxes. We'd build cities out of blocks for our cars or Star Wars action figures. We had a giant tub of Beanie Babies (the real ones and the many McDonald Mini's) that we'd play with- my favorites being the horses and his being the cats. We were masterminds with Lego's, spending hours building while listening to an "Irish Dreams" CD or a "Braveheart" Soundtrack. The country kids we were, much of our adventures were spent outside, bravely venturing on quests in the pastures surrounding our house, building forts and swinging around the swords and bows that dad had made for us.

But there have also had times when we've wanted nothing to do with one another. In our preteen/early teen years especially we had arguments that shook the house. A yelling battle like this has ended many different ways (more than just grounding). One way being our "I've had enough" mother having us sit facing each other about a yard apart and having each of us write 100 things we loved/liked about one another. (I think at one point it got to desperate answers i.e. "I like your shirt", but I'm sure there were meaningful truths in there as well.) There were times I hated that boy who stabbed me with a stick and ate my piece of cake. But I still loved him.

Now that we're older and a little more mature (I hope) we get along. Edward's more than my brother- he's my friend. We see movies together, play video games, talk about our futures and the things that are truly important. We give each other prospective and advice, keep one another accountable...

Relationships change.

And my relationship with my brother is has been changing of late.

To see him find someone, love someone who loves him is wonderful. She's real nice, she has a heart for God- I'm happy to see him so happy.

But I'm also balking at this change. This morphing of our relationship- what Edward and I have. I feel a little loss at knowing it won't always be the same.

That's how things must work, though. Anyways, how else can we grow, learn and reach without taking in what the next day has to offer.

So, holding my breath a little, I'll take the next step.

missing some favorites on monday

2011-07-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

Nancy Drew Computer Mysteries

My mom and I would tackle these video games as though we were true sleuths. We’d each have our own pages of notes which we’d keep hidden from the other person. If one of us ever got desperately stuck we’d of course help one another, but till someone gave in it would be each problem-solver for herself.

I’ve played almost all the older ones- and there are a lot! I’ve played numbers 1-12. #13: Last Train to Blue Moon Canyon, had some weird tech requirement that my brand new (at the time) laptop didn’t even have, so I never got to play that. But I played 14-19. Then I missed a few, not having the money or time to play. I got #23: Shadow at the Water’s Edge, for this past Christmas.

I miss playing Nancy, solving puzzles and exploring mysterious places. I like other puzzle games as well...

Professor Layton on DS

I played the first two of these but have yet to enjoy “Unwound Future”. Splendid game of puzzles with lovely art.

Iced Animal Crackers

Oh, how I missed this childhood joy! Sweet little animal shaped cookies coated in pink or white icing and sprinkled with colorful bits of fun! :) Actually, we got a bag of these Friday so I can’t say that I’m missing them now... But it had been a while since I had any.

Horses

Yeah... I’m sure you’re all about sick of me mentioning that one... I miss the feel of mane through my fingers, a soft muzzle on the back of my hand. I miss those dark-liquid eyes and the rhythm of their gaits. I miss their smell and every other bit.

Still just soaking up as much of horses that I can from books and writing or drawing and dreaming.

Friends

“Adulthood” sure loads on a lot of time-consuming responsibility. It’s hard to get everyone’s schedules put in sync with one another so we can all just hang out. Lately it seems we’re just catching the little moments that we can here and there.

Heartland
One of my favorite t.v. shows. Takes place on a horse ranch in Canada. I want to just hop through the television screen and live there...

I’ve been watching episodes with a friend- but like I said, lately it’s been hard to find any time we can hang out. I could just watch some more on my own... but it’s more fun with a friend.

who's the ringmaster

2011-07-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting Him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

- Romans 3: 27b-28 (Message translation)

I love this scripture's truth.

So often I'm trying to figure out how to work situations, what to do to find direction, where do I take my next step. I'm sure it's pride sometimes, but mostly I think it's my anxiety that I find has me "trying to run the parade". I can be so fearful and worried about all sorts of things and I catch myself foolishly and frantically scrambling to work it out.

This doesn't work well, because by the time the band has lost their music, the acrobats are tangled, the balloon-men are loosing their hold on the inflatables, the monkey's are swinging through the crowd, the elephants are charging- by the time everything is going wrong there's no way I'll be able to find my rhythm, let alone know how to set anything right. But, still, I try. And let me tell you, chasing Dumbo will do you no good if you've got a chimp pulling your hair.

Hopefully before there's too much damage you'll realize what you should've done in the beginning: that you were never qualified to lead this untamable, wild bunch and you should've let the Ringmaster be the head of this circus. You should've handed it all over to Him long ago.

You should've surrendered all. You weren't meant to lead. You know what- the Director gave you a job: to listen to what He tells you to do. It could be juggling, singing, hula-hooping. It could be calling up someone you haven't talked to in a while to see how they're really doing, or bravely sharing that testimony to someone you know is going through the same thing. It could be daring to go after something you just feel God is wanting you to do, even if other people think you're crazy or that it's impossible.

You have a job- to follow the pace, the order, the instruction and direction you receive from God. You don't have to worry about anything else. You can't master it all- you're not meant to. God is in charge. And trust me- the show He's got planned is going to be a grand one full of wonder.

Children's book Love

2011-06-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I still get picture books from the library. Not long ago I put a hold on this book to be sent in on Transit so I could read it. I could just tell by it's description that it was something I would like.

Written and illustrated by Susan Jeffers, My Pony has become my absolute favorite children's book.

It's about this little girl who wants a pony more than anything, but because of costs and such it just isn't possible. Still the girl dreams and finds herself drawing instead of doing her homework. As she draws "Silver" the pony become real to her and takes her on a wonderful, adventurous ride, soaring through the air and meeting with other ponies. Through her imagination, the girl always has her pony waiting for her.

The writing and pictures are beautiful. I've put off returning the book- I may have to renew it... I want my own copy.

Why do I like the book so much? Because I dream of a horse of my own. Right now a horse isn't in my budget, but I can write and (like that little girl) I can draw about "my horse".

For now, it will just have to be imagination that carries me to the clouds...

grab a brush

2011-06-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a cautious person- sometimes too cautious. I ~~can~~ over think things and ponder over them for a long time before making a decision.

It's been nearly a year since my brother and I switched bedrooms. While he pinned up posters before even putting away his clothes, I've mused over what to do with my walls. They got a new coat of paint (colored a simple Nubuck) to cover as many of the pin holes I could, but then I wasn't sure what to do next. Stripes? Or a mural of some sort? Oh, and goodness, could I even begin to choose the colors?! My favorite color changes more frequently than any person I know...

So I put it off, lived with bare walls for quite sometime.

It was driving me crazy. But I still couldn't choose! Finally, I just did it. I traced some random bits here and there and last week (after walking back and forth, back and forth down Hobby Lobby's isles) I bought some paint. I brought it home, got a brush and took the color to the walls...

I've been doing a bit at a time and it's been relaxing. After the first stroke of uncertainty I've just eased into letting the bristles brush over the walls. I don't think about it too much- I actually think about everything except painting while I have the brush in my hand.

What I've painted so far isn't all that fancy- there's not much to it- but I like it, the color, the curls, the birds. I got some more colors to add highlights and such.

My taste for colors does change, so I've decided to add whatever color I feel like. So what if they don't mesh together perfectly. If it's completely awful, I can always paint over it and start again.

At least now the walls aren't bare. At least now I'm painting.

You know, I've got some other bare walls that I've been "pondering". There are some places in my life that I need to just go buy paint for. Some places that need to have color added. I need to stop worrying about messing up and grab a brush.

What can you do...

2011-06-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

... when someone you know is hurting or sick. When something awful and hard is happening to them and you don't know what to say. What words could you speak? What gesture could you make to let them know you care?

For me it's cookies.

I attentively measure the ingredients. I'm careful when cracking the egg and I work at the dough to get it mixed well. I roll out balls of dough that are just the right size, spinning them in a coating of sugar. Set on the pan in neat rows they each get pressed with a criss-cross from a fork. They go in the toasty oven for a time and then they're pulled back out. Cooled on racks, they get packed and are sent off to be enjoyed.

But it isn't only the offering of a sugary treat that I hope with lift them up. There is something so much more important than that: the prayers I pray. While I'm stirring and rolling and measuring and baking I speak to God about them. I ask for His grace to be on them, for healing and love to fill them, for their soul to feel close to Him. I pray they feel encouraged and strengthened.

So then, those cookies become more than gesture of labor, they become a labor of love.

no one to sit by

2011-06-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, going to church or some other function, when it came time to take a seat, I'd feel lost. Friends would be away at college or busy, there'd be no room by my family... It was times like these that loneliness would hit real hard all the sudden.

But it was these moments (after a while) I would also notice the other people who sat alone. When I felt like a complete, shy, uncertain loner, I suddenly saw more clearly the other's who felt the same.

At first when I'd sit by them we would both be unfamiliar to each other, strangers. I would feel awkward and wonder if it was a mistake- should I just keep to myself instead of bothering this person? It would be easier to grab a chair away from everyone else. There'd be no risk of getting rejected that way.

But then, that would make no difference to my hurting, or to other's. It would be better to reach out, to try.

I'm not saying snubbing will never happen, but I have yet to be rejected flat out when I ask if I can sit by someone. There have been some real quiet, uncomfortable times when the person I sat by would refuse to talk and instead escape into their own word by being "busy" on their phone or ipod. But I'm still glad I sat by them. And when I sit by them again, sometimes they open up a little more. They might take the buds out of their ears and put the phone away.

They become my friends and I may not have made them without those lonely times of not having someone to sit by. I'm so grateful for them. They remind me that as much as we can feel like we're alone, we're just one seat away from not being alone.

Now, there are times when I do have a friend I could sit by, but then I notice that person all alone in the corner. Sometimes I'll go sit by that stranger anyways. (I should work on doing it more.) I do it because I know what it's like to have the weight of those empty seats around you. I do it because I know that God loves them and because God loves them, they too deserve to have a friend and to know they're not alone.

I do some weird stuff...

2011-06-01T13:55:00.000-07:00

When I eat cookies with milk I eat them with a fork. My cookies need a complete soaking to be best consumed. And when I eat my beloved Annie's bunnies, I eat them in groups of three- sometimes the last group being a special crowd of four. So how do I not have an odd one out? I count them when I'm getting them out of the box while my mom makes fun of me. :)

I like eating my Little Debbie cakes with a fork. (Maybe I just like using forks?)

I like eating frozen corn.

I have a blanket given to me by an old neighbor. It's one of those soft, tie around the edges blankets. One side is dark purple, the other is a lighter pink-purple. For some reason (not sure why) I think the lighter side is the top and it has to be on the top and if it's not it will bug me until I flip it over.

I have to have just the right size bookmark. One that's long enough to peak out the edge if I want to mark a particular line, but not too long that it will get bent up and bumped around. To me it's just common sense. What's with those too small, too big, too long, too short bookmarks?

When I use a kleenex I always fold it neatly. Another thing I just think is common sense.

I catch myself alphabetizing movies at the store. THIS one is not my fault. My part-time job as a librarian has engrained it into my being.

Come on. You know we all do some things that are a little odd. What's some of your's?

2011-05-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

What is your dream? What is the wish your heart makes? What's that longing, hopeful desire that gets a stirring in your chest when you imagine it coming true?

Mine is of pages and ink- or perhaps a download of pixels. My dream is to create a tale of words and illustrations. Something that transports a person, that stays with them and lives on in their hearts to encourage and inspire.

I just finished reading the book "The Search for WondLa"- a holograph of imagination. The first chapter of the web-comic "Wormworld Saga" drew me in and I can't wait for the adventure to begin in the next chapter. Another web-comic called "Phoenix Requiem" is so beautifully done in a style I absolutely love.

The characters have breath and life. I relate to them, feel with them and they're companions to me. I set out with them on their journeys and walk along every step.

Stories speak to me and I know that God has put a book in my path many a time to tell me something. They tell of courage and putting oneself out there. They speak of hope and they remind us that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

That's my dream. To create a story that does for someone else what so many books have done for me.

What is your dream? What is the wish your heart makes?

Paper Faces On Parade

2011-05-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

Blogging is a challenge for me. It causes me to stretch past my area of comfort, to put myself out there a little when I would rather keep to myself. But the thing is, I haven’t been putting myself out there much. I have kept to myself. I’ve typed paragraphs of my thoughts, the things on my heart... and then deleted it. I’ve been worried about what the few followers I have would think- what would happen if I put “that” out there?

So instead I’ve posted masks. I’ve wrote about things I think could be fun or light-hearted. Words meant to entertain, words that are safe. Really, the words are almost a lie. Something completely different could be under the mask, scars or tears.

My finger leans towards the delete button now. There are fearful doubts whispering:

“I can’t write this... It sounds too depressing, too lonely.”

“Who would want to read about my struggles?”

And, of course, the ever famous: “I’m a follower of the True, Almighty King- I’m a Christian. I’m not supposed to have problems and I should always be happy.”

So, the mask is easier to wear, instead of facing those fears with all bared.

But this covering of jewels, paint and lace is a lie. And holding it up gets heavy. I’m tired of holding it up.

I want to drop it. To release my grip on it. To let the mask fall and it’s plaster to shatter on the ground to be never used again.

Masks never help anyone- they only deceive, hide and smother. I don’t want that. I want to be honest, real, and free.

We all have problems and go through trials. When I want to hide them away I think of some of the heroes of the Bible, some of the books I’ve read about good Christian people. They hurt and cried, suffered awful things.

But God’s glory shown through it. In moments of frailty and pain, they made it through what happened. The Perfect Plan God had shaped in His own wisdom, furthered His Kingdom. What those people went through- what we’re all going through- is a part of it.

If no one ever shared their struggles, if we all wore masks and hid away those “wounds of defeat”, how would theVICTORIES ever be known?

We may not understand it all, but then we weren’t meant to. We’re only to hold to the knowledge the VICTORY IS HIS. So then victory is ours.

Tiaras and White Dresses

2011-05-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's true. Last Friday I woke up at the wee-hour of 3 a.m. to plop on the couch and watch on TV the happenings of the royal wedding. (Okay, so I heard the the VIPs wouldn't arrive for another hour, so I set my phone alarm and caught a few more Zs.) It was a pretty wedding- not too over the top. It had a fairytale-feel to it and the dress was beautiful, so I couldn't help drawing it. :) (You can click it to see a bigger view.)
My favorite part was probably when they drove out in their little car, just William and Kate, with cans and balloons streaming behind and the license plate spelling out: JU5T WED. So sweet.

Some people look at me silly when I say I got up so early. Why did I do it?
Why not? I thought it was fun to watch the event as it happened half-way around the globe. Add my princess-dreamings to the mix and one could only expect that I watch it!

Yes, at 20 years of age I still have a great fondness for all things "princess". Whether they're true crown ladies or royalty of the animated sort it's more than likely I'm a fan. Even some of the most childish princess things... If I could have a day with several five year old girls playing and imagining with tiaras... it would be my cup o' tea, indeed! :)

Rejection

2011-04-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

Doesn't that word make you cringe?

I'm kind of weak when it comes to rejection. I've had rejections in the past from people I cared about, I've been put down, tossed aside, or simply been made to feel invisible. I can't explain why I was rejected- it's a question I've asked myself too many times and try to let go of.

This morning I got a different sort of rejection.

I have a profile on Deviant Art. I post a lot of my personal pieces: digital paintings and sketches. I know that I'm not the greatest artist- I have soooo much to learn and practice at. I even feel weird calling myself an "artist" because I've just barely dipped my toes in the ability and wonder of visual creation. (Just like I wouldn't call myself a "writer".)

Working on digital art (or any art) is something I really enjoy. I love how you can bring the element of story out through an image, how you can tell a tale in lines and color.

Anyways, I've dabbled in joining a few groups on Deviant. One was "Digital Art Appreciation", or something like that. It took them a couple days to reply, but when they did it was to notify me that I couldn't be in their group. They didn't find my stuff good enough and it wasn't at the talent level of those they accept.

My past rejections were normally followed with sadness. Pathetic self-pity.

This rejection was a little different, though.

Yes, I was a little disappointed that someone thought my pictures weren't good enough. It just confirmed my feeling that I still have A LOT to learn. (But then, that's not a completely bad thing to be confirmed.)

The difference in my feelings towards this rejection, though, is determination.

I WANT to get better. With practice, devotion, discipline... I WILL grow in my craft...

Yes, there are those thoughts in the back of my mind, those devil-whispers that I will never be good enough, that my art will always fall short. There are those worries that no matter how hard I try I'll continue to fail.

But I'll not listen to those words, I'll listen to these:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity

(of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear),

but [He has given us a spirit]

of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

2 Tim 1:7 (AMP)

Another year older

2011-04-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

   Tuesday I came across a forest of twenty blue candles set in a delicious slope of butter pecan cake and cream cheese frosting. :)

   I received a lovely bunch of gifts that I can't help but share.
   From a kind family friend I got a sketch pad and pencils- can always use those.
   I got some smells-goods, a shirt, and (the ever expected) underwear from my grandparents. Yes, even at 20 they lovingly shower me with panties. I'm so grateful for them both. :)
   From my parents (who know me oh so well) I was gifted: a pretty summer scarf, a devotional book titled "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, a cutie pie lopped-earred bunny, and the dvd "Tangled" (which was beautiful-magical-and so much fun when I saw it in theaters). They also put new windshield wipers on my car- which I know means that they must love me, for when it rained my old wipers did not help much with vision...

   Yes, I'm young at heart and still enjoy the delights of one half my age. The birthday card I received from my parents has Rapunzel is on it as well... It's funny how I can relate to something written for a six year old.

   Like the pink lettering instructs:
   I'm going to work on letting my hair down, relaxing and resting in the peace of knowing that God's got it all taken care of, that He's watching over me and loves me just as I am.
   I'll work at finding my true self in all I do, accomplishing it through God's grace in my own unique way.
   And I'm going to ~~try to~~ do it. Those things that scare me and make me nervous, that which I'm completely not confident in. I'm going to strive to stop looking at my faulty ability and focus on His unending, complete strength. Surrendering and leaning on Him, I could do as I dare.
   Who know that there'd be something as meaningful as that in a children's birthday card? :)

   It was a nice birthday- though strange to think I'm no longer a teenager... I'm looking forward to what another year holds for me, praying all the while that it be on a path marked by Christ.

Would you rather...

2011-04-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

It's a game that we've played in youth group a few times, an ice breaker of sorts. An easy game of discussion, you just read a question from the "Would You Rather..." book (or make one up) and people put their say in.
Here's one. If you had to choose...

...would you rather be blind or deaf?

A part of me thinks I know my answer instantly- I would choose to be deaf.

I'm a visual person. I thrive off colors, shades, hues... They inspire me, work up my imagination, my creativity. They cause my feelings to spiral and whirl, my moods to take new turns, and the heartbeat of my dreams to pick up.

They say a picture's worth a thousand words. I love how an image can contain a complete story. The lines, tone, cracks, and smoothness of a surface speaks of it's past, of what it's gone through and weathered. There is so much to connect to with images- and even if we don't relate you can't deny that a message is there.

But then, I've let myself off the leash.

Back to the question: to go without sight or without hearing? Now, thinking about this, I had a second thought...

Another part of me thinks to choose the other answer- to be blind.

Sight shows the surface- and if you pay attention the surface can tell you a lot. But we all know that the surface can be deceiving.

Don't you hate to be judged at face value? You know how you must look, what everyone who's watching thinks, but it's not true.

The truth is, what you see isn't always what you get.

What is seen may only be a mask.

I'm guilty of it, too, judging by what I see. I even judge people sometimes- and I hate that about myself. Who am I to judge?! None of us have right to judge.

So the idea of "seeing things with eyes closed" sounds appealing to me. To get past that first assessment, that first opinion that I make by what I see and to look deeper.

I'm not sure which I would choose. Thankfully I have both, so for now I guess I'll enjoy the view and work more on listening. You never know what kind of story you're going to hear.

Christmas Pony

2011-04-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how old I was- about seven or eight years old I think. Christmas was getting close and the tall Walmart isles were crammed with toys. I remember looking over shelves of stuffed animals garnished with red and green.
That's when I saw it- a Christmas Pony I immediately adored. Even a young girl who isn't as horse-crazy as I was had to admit that the stuffed animal was something to be cherished. It was a perfectly-huggable-sized white horse with soft, snow white feathers. It's saddle and bridle were of green and red "velvet", trimmed with glittery gold rick-rack.
Of course I had to announce to my mom that the pony was now "on my list". I felt a twinge of worry when I counted the four ponies that were left. I wanted it so bad.

It was a day or two later that we went back to Walmart. I had to go see if my pony was still there. I can still feel the devastation that came over me when I saw that wide empty spot where it was supposed to be. I knew that my mom hadn't been into town since our last visit, that she hadn't had a chance to buy the favorite thing on my wish list. I was kicking myself for not hiding my pony in the safe place behind the ugly Christmas wreaths. It would've been safe there, waiting in a secret place for my parents to come pick it up. But there was no hope of that now. My pony was gone and I was heartbroken. (I think I cried. Right there in Walmart.)

Sometimes in life we want something so bad. We dream of something that we want to do or something we want to have.
But then something happens and suddenly it all seems hopeless. That thing we longed for and desired seems impossible and out of reach and there's nothing we can do to change it. It's out of our hands and we give up on it. We mourn it and try to forget about it.

I did try to forget about that pony. Even though I wasn't that old I knew that the prospect of gifts (no matter what they were) was exciting. I'd moved on as best I could, but those feelings of love that I had for that pony came rushing back on Christmas morning- when I found it under the tree with my name on it! I couldn't believe it! My parent's had bought the stuffed animal that first day I saw it, sneaking it away to the cashier while my back was turned. That pony was meant to be my pony from the start and they knew it.

So, those hopes and dreams you've given up on and pushed away from your thoughts as lost causes, don't let your heart break. God may yet have it waiting under the tree for you. Right now He may be shaking His head at your disappointment, knowing the gifts He has in store for you, just asking you to trust and be patient.

There and Back

2011-03-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

   Our journey took us through 6 states (Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California) and rolled us along 3,500 miles of pavement. 3,500 long miles to visit my big brother in Santa Barbara.
   We survived the truck ride part of the trip (barely) by large intakes of bottled water, taking our paper-bagged food through many drive-through-windows, boxes of granola bars and raisins, audio books (I listened to "Sapphique" by Cathrine Fisher), and stretching our sore legs at every gas station we came to.
  There were the dangerous moments (the ventures into unknown public restrooms) and the desperate moments (resorting to playing Edward's "who would survive a zombie apocalypse the longest" game). Some of the drive made us nervous (the freak snow that blew in Arizona) and some of the drive made us impatient (the traffic jam of Californians who were worried about the spitting of rain that seemed like nothing to us).

  On my anxiety: the first few days were the worst. It got easier from there... On one of the first nights out I couldn't sleep and I just had to thank Jesus that there was something for me to focus on instead of my nerves and worries.
  We don't have cable or anything so I watch some shows on the internet. Just so happened that on that night the next episode I was ready for of a series I watch was on. Forget coincidence- I know God was with me all that trip, helping me along on something that's been a challenge for me. You may think it's silly, but I think that me having something to watch on tv that night is one of those moments.

   This trip was challenging for me, but it had it's rewards. I got to see a lot of things I hadn't before.

   There were the deserts: red soil with prickly bushes, the fingers of stone giants poking up through the ground... Cliffs of jagged rock blocks and crumbling buildings whose owners had long become ghosts... Tall horizons I kept eyeing, just waiting for John Wayne and some indians to come galloping over...

   There were mountains of rock, dirt, grass, and of snow. Edward loved the mountains- said he wanted to climb each and every one of them.

   We saw the Grand Canyon. Even through the haze that hung over the day I couldn't help but stare at it's vastness. My brother and I wanted to lean over the railing and yell "I'm king (queen) of the world!" but we decided that everyone else who was there might find this disruptive.

   There was the ocean: my favorite "site" of the trip. It was overcast and cold for Santa Barbara, but I didn't care. I still had to take off my shoes and socks and step into that salty, tilting, foamy water.

   And we saw Zach (my brother) and Majesta (his girlfriend). Getting to spend time with them, getting to peak into the world where they've been living was the best. Oh, and hanging out with their cute dog, Miles.

   I saw some really neat, new things and I'm glad I went. Though, I have to say, I am ohhhh so happy to be back in the Heartland. :)
   No place like home.

Talking Antiquities

2011-03-18T13:59:00.001-07:00

There’s something about an item that’s survived years. Even the tarnished bits or the cracked corners don’t matter too much. Actually, the wear of the item gives it character and hints at the moments it’s seen.

I love going into an antique store or an old house, my gaze wandering over the things that embellished people’s pasts, made an impact or had importance to them. Even if those items were merely observers that were never given a second thought seem to hold some weight.

The jean and red-plaid jacket I have upstairs was my great grandmother’s. If it could speak, what stories would it tell? Perhaps it would giggle of fun times spent with friends on the lake or at a picnic.

What memories does my antique locket hold? We don’t even know who owned it before my parents bought it for my eighteenth birthday from the jewelry store. Who’s photo did it hold? Did a mother tuck away in it images of her children? Or was it given to a girl by her high school sweetheart? When you open the locket do the hinges whisper that they were one day married and lived happily ever after?

Probably just the “romantic” in me thinking...

I’m sure some will agree, though, that the things that have hung around for a time do seem to have extra meaning, somehow. They seem to have a sort of legacy, no matter how frayed.

What about our things? The little trinkets we hardly think of: a pencil case or Christmas ornament, a book from our shelf or a ring. After time passes and we’re long gone will someone find these trinkets of ours and think them special? Will they think of our things as treasures?

But then it isn’t the item itself we find worth in, is it? No matter how pretty that vintage black dress is, that isn’t what we really find delight in, that’s not the mystery or magic. No matter what the dusty item is, what makes it feel important to us is the lives around it. The living breathing owner. These items stir up our imagination.

They make us think of the people of the past and what their futures held- the wide open possibilities of their story. It could’ve been anything!

So then we think of our futures.

How the possibilities are wide open for us, too.

Differences, Destinations and Dollars

2011-03-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

   The header is a picture I call the "wild girl". She wanders the woodland and makes friends with birds. I wish I had enough hair to do that...
   The look's a little different. I'm not sure if I'll keep it around or not... We'll see. Playing around with the look of everything is just too much fun. :)

   I've been feeling a little more a peace, taking things day be day.
   And now even more hurdles are coming my way.

   Soon I'm going on a road trip with my family. Now, for a normal person, a trip would be something to be excited and eager about. And I am looking forward to the end mark- visiting my big brother in California- but traveling has always been a pain for me.
I get car sick real easy, and even if I don't actually "get sick" (which is a ~~big~~ slight phobia of mine) car rides always make me feel awful.
Also, like I've mentioned before, I have anxiety problems and being in an unfamiliar, non-secure environment just heightens my nerves.
   So, though there will be mountains and deserts and all these wonderful scenic routes, I'm dreading the journey...

   Like I said, though. Day by day. Moment by moment. Step by step, I'm working on walking close to God. He'll take care of things.

My pictures have been mailed to the publisher. Just waiting for them to get the flash-drive and for them to let us know what they think. Meanwhile, I'll be brainstorming on some cover options for the children's book.
It was strange. For the first time I got paid for my art. :) I told the author that she didn't have to worry about that- we didn't even know if the publishers were going to use my pictures- but she kindly gave me a little something for my time. I don't care how much I got, being paid anything for my art is such a blessing. :) I'm so grateful.

Fog of worry rolling in...

2011-03-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

  Sometimes you feel like your doing okay in life, that you've grown stronger and your holding things together. You feel you're where you're supposed to be. You're walking along a path, feeling God's guidance, and though you're not completely confident, your thinking that things are alright.
  Then a thick fog rolls in. It's cold and it clings to you trying to chill you to the bone. Now it's gotten a little darker. Now you can't see the path so well and you're worried you're lost.

  I'd been feeling steady, working hard on the illustrating project, having a goal in mind. Now project is in it's finishing stages- I give her (the author) the flash drive of 14 pictures tonight. She's going to send them off to her publisher... And we'll see what they say.
  Now things are more uncertain. The future I'd been avoiding thinking about (and am still trying to deny) has ~~crep~~t sprung up on me. I've no idea what will happen next- in this project or in life. It's a little scary.
  Questions and doubts are filling my mind.
  Questions about what the publishers will think.
  Questions about belonging...
  Doubts about what I have done.
  About what I'm going to do next...

  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

  I'm a worrier, my confidence wavers and I'm weak.
  But, even though it seems easier sometimes, I'm not going to curl up in a ball on the path and let my fears take over me.
  Instead, I'm working on giving it up, on surrendering my worries in prayer. I'm trying to focus on the wonderful blessings around me, to not focus on the bad things in life. I am striving for closeness with the One who "guards" me.
  And His peace will come over me.

  If you made it though this post in all of it's confusion- thank you for caring and taking the time. It means a lot.

Of the Greatest Purpose

2011-02-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

"I yearn to someday hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant, with whom I am well pleased." To think of that makes my heart swell."

I follow and read Hannah's beautifully written blog and this was from a post of her's that I read this morning.
Oh, Hannah. So many times I've said and thought THESE VERY WORDS. I've have that very same longing to know what my purpose is, to know my path. Sometimes I feel completely lost and without direction. I would worry that I was missing something or that maybe I wouldn't be fit to do whatever it was I would be called to.
But, I'm not left out. (None of us are.) Even though I sometimes doubt that there's a place I'll fit, I know God has a purpose for me.

"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11

Also, God doesn't play guessing games with us. He lets us know exactly what we're meant to know for the moment. He's not going to leave us high and dry. Even in the quiet moments He's guiding us. We only have to listen for His whispers and follow.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Psalm 73:24
...in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:6

Yes. That's all He asks. We don't have to solve some great puzzle. It will all work to His purpose in the end, we just have to strive to follow Christ's will in each moment. Following Him is always the right way.

I'm 19 and I still live in my parent's house. I hear about people my age making great accomplishments, people who seem to have such a big, important futures. One thing I've been struggling with (but hopefully am getting better at) is seeing how important the little things are. I may not have published a book that's touched millions (maybe someday) but it is important that I take the time to notice and to talk to that one lonely person in the corner. I don't have a crisp diploma framed on my wall, but I'm learning more and more of God's love each day. I'm learning how to return that love to Christ and to every one around me.
So, the small moments are what I'm striving for now, during what I suppose you could call a time of "waiting". I'm growing and learning and walking. While at the world's standards I'm not much of anything, I'm working for Love and by God's standards that's "the greatest of these".

May this blog SHINE :)

2011-02-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

Choosing a word for the year is something I've seen a lot of other bloggers doing and was encouraged to do the same. I waited around a little, seeing if my word would pop up and reveal itself. A little less than a month ago, it did. For a while I was hesitant to choose this word, wondering if it was cheesy... But who cares. :) My word is

brightly

  No, this doesn't mean I'm someone who's in constant cheer or that I've notice a strange radiance coming off my skin at night. This is more of what I'm striving for. It's more about shining Christ's Light more brightly, even in the day to day moments. It's about taking the time to care for others and having the priority for others that's so bright as to be noticed. And I don't care if it's proper grammar or not, I want TO LOVE MORE BRIGHTLY.
  It's a dark, hurting, lonely corner of a world we live in. I can't imagine how people make it through without the Savior. There are moments that I've gotten through only because Christ's Light was there to chase away the shadows. So I want to hold onto this Star of Amazing Grace that I didn't deserve, but was freely given. I don't want to hide it away or bury it for safekeeping. I want to hold it high and let it shine brightly.

  So, with that in mind (and my love for art) I chose "with colors bright" for my blog's title.

  And may you shine brightly as well, blogging chums!

Seeking a name for this Key's blog

2011-01-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't like my name or the look of my blog. It didn't/doesn't fit.
But I don't know yet what to call it.
Hm... I'll probably draw a new header once I figure it out, but I won't have time for a while due to the Project. I could have left it the way it was until I did have time, but it was bugging me. So for now I have a generic background, no title.

There's something about finding just the right flavor and name for your blog. In a world that's so busy with crowds of people and ideas, we long even more for customization and identification. We want to shout out our originality, differences, and uniqueness. (Or at least some of us do.)

I used to hide it away, feel ashamed and awkward. But I've come to learn that God's formed me and loved me with all my quirks and eccentricities. I've been made for a purpose- and how am I supposed to fulfill those purposes without stepping out and being who I am.

It's like we're each a key. We've been created with grooves and teeth that are all our own. We've got locks to fit into and to open (by God's powerful hand). As keys, though, we also get rusted, tarnished, and bent. We mess up and we're faulted by our sinful nature. So then we must be melted down, refined by fire and made new again. Going through the experiences of life we come out of the flames a little different- hopefully better, stronger, more pure. Now we're shaped to fit in another lock.

On that note, I don't want to be the key kept at the bottom of the dresser drawer. What good is that key? Instead I want to be a key on God's keyring- to be use by Him and to be ready for any purpose He has for me. I open a particular lock. My maker knows what purposes He made me for (even when I don't).

I might be a key that looks a little different, but with some polishing from my Crafter, I hope to shine!

2011-01-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

I love my tablet. And it's a good thing because for the next month or so I'm going to be seeing a lot of it. That's right, there's a project in the works and this one has a deadline.
((shudder))
I'm not used to that "d-word". Deadline.
It makes me a little uneasy, but things are going good. Mostly I'm at ease with this project- actually, compared to a project that was attempted during the summer of 2010, things are going WONDERFUL. :)
But I know that with my crazy emotions, that things can turn unpleasant rather quickly. So I'm keeping close to my loving Jesus, praying for His guidance and peace, that He may work through me and teach me during this adventure.

I couldn't resist showing you what I got in the mail last week: bento egg molds! They're a rabbit and a bear. So *cute*! :) And I was squealing for joy when I saw the Japanese packaging.

Loosen up with Richard

2010-12-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

I get tense around the holiday season. I ~~have to~~ see some members of my distant family who I don't... mesh with very well. My family and I try to be kind, try to make conversation and try to make the time spent with them as good a time as possible.

But it's hard. These relatives have different lifestyles, different morals, different beliefs. It's hard to relate to them and find things to talk about.

Whenever we go to see them, I pray that I may be a witness, that I may be strong in my faith and what I'm doing in my life.

It's hard. Especially when some of them are openly critical of your lifestyle, your morals and your beliefs. They show judgment about the importance of some of the things I'm doing in my life- the very things that my weak self-confidence doubt on a regular basis.

I made it through the Christmas soup dinner.

Going in was hard- but I had God to help me keep my chin high.

And I had Richard.

I couldn't help myself. I needed something to loosen me up. Something to knock away anxiety and make me feel more care free and fun.

I don't know much about Richard Simmons. All I know is that when I cut him out of an ad (with his enthusiastic arms and fuzzy head) and taped it to the milk gallon in our fridge, my brother's surprised reaction was hilarious. :) Richard's cheer just made me smile, so I kept him on the fridge door.

And so, I felt I needed some of that giggling-goodness- I needed to spread the joy.

I took Richard with me to the Christmas dinner at my relative's house, the scrap of paper tucked away in my sweater. I made it my mission to leave him somewhere as a sort of surprise to be found after we were gone. Give a bit of happiness to the very people who look down on me.

It was fun, the idea of one of them finding Richard taped in that bathroom drawer. I only wish I could see their expressions, their reaction. I guess it may be one of complete disturbance, but I hope it's one of laughter. That would be cool. :)

Stitches of Purpose

2010-12-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

If I lived 50-100 years ago, (being female) I would probably be all knowing in the sewing department. I could probably whip up an apron for my grandmother's birthday, hem a curtain lickity-split, and stitch a button hole with the greatest of ease.
But I've never learned to be a master of it. I know only the basics of needle craft.

When I was little I would sew with simple, too large stitches and create for my dolls ~~plain~~ lovely little dresses, pants, shirts, pillows and bags in whatever fabric I found lying around the house. When I would finish the article of clothing I would show it proudly to my mom who would always praise it and mention that I should try to make my stitches smaller. For fear that my cherished doll's clothes would fall apart I did my best at making tiny stitches.
Who cared about the rules or that I had little teaching? I simply delighting in working with my hands and letting my imagination wonder.

If only I could still think that way about life. If only I could forget about the rules that this world has made and focus instead on the job I've set out to do. Some may say that I'm doing things wrong, the devil may tell me that I'm going to mess up and it will all be useless, a scrap of fabric meant for the trash. But I've got to hold onto the projects I've been given. I've come across some "dolls that need new clothes", some jobs that need working. My hands may lack skill and of short experience, but they're willing to do the work set before them. (I'm not saying anything against schooling, just thinking how God doesn't look at your grade card.)
Some may say that I work for meaningless things. Too often I believe that whisper in my ear that what I'm doing has no worth.
But I'm striving to continue to sew, with as small of stitches I can muster, following the seam appointed to me, delighting in the work my hands do for a greater purpose and letting my imagination wonder where it will take me.

The First Page

2010-12-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

I've wondered through the blogging world for some time, following a few blogs for nearly two years now. I'm grateful to those bloggers. They've been kind enough to share of themselves and take the time to post. Their words mean a lot. I feel I relate to some of them and they've become a sort of friend to me, a kindred spirit even though they are another world away.
In their paragraphs I've read of their hurts and joys, their questions and revelations. Through it I'm inspired, encouraged, challenged, even changed. It effects me.
Starting my own blog is ~~a little~~ intimidating to me. Honestly, I'm completely terrified to put my tangled thoughts out there. (I'm the same way with anything else I draw or write.) But I decided that if I can touch someone through my blogging, like I've been touched by others, if I can be a light to someone else, then it's worth it. I'll not hide my flame away under a basket. It may be windy and out in the open, but I'll set my candle on a lampstand.

So, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Joni. I am nineteen and live at home with my loving parents, Ed & Joni. I have an older brother (Zach) and a younger brother (Edward). Our farmhouse is planted in Heartland country-soil. When I'm not working at the town library I'm reading, writing, drawing, or exploring the "wild wood" around my house, living my life in God's gracious love.